Far and Away
Claim your kibble, Chicken!
I sure do love movies that star real-life couples. "Gigli," "Made in America," and this Ron Howard classic, "Far and Away." Of course, Nicole Kidman wised up and escaped from the Cult of Tom Cruise, but before she became an Urban Cowboy, she made this emerald of a gem with Maverick.
Tom Cruise is this farmer (I've never seen him dig up dirt, just provide it) who fights with his brothers and he lives in Ireland (where Lucky Charms come from). His Dad dies a "Bobba Fett" death: inglorious and ignominious. I mean, come on, he gets killed by Greg of "Dharma and Greg" fame. His character's name is Steven, but he should be called Whiplash Snivley like in those old Duddly Do-Right cartoons 'cause he looks like the guy who ties people up on railroad tracks. His mustache means he's a bad guy.
So Mr. Show Me The Money goes off to kill the boss of the guy who killed his father (Luke Skywalker could take a lesson from this fella) only he gets stabbed by Nicole Kidman who tests to see if he's human or an alien from the Ron Hubbard universe. While he's recovering upstairs in Nicole's house, she sneaks a peek at his junk to see what got Val Kilmer's Iceman to melt. The house gets fire-bombed by evangelicals who believe Scientology is an abomination and the two of them go off to Boston together.
They get beamed up to a whore house by Chief O'Brien and Tom Cruise gets all horny for Nicole only they're pretending to be brother and sister so he can't just up and kiss her (take note, Princess Leia) so he goes to the social club to blow off some steam by beating the crap out of people. He gets so good at it, he gets asked to beat up a goddamned Eyetalian. But he gets distracted when Chief O'Brien's boss (no, not Captain Picard) tries to grab a piece of strawberry tart (I like Pop Tarts, too!). Because he gets the living bejesus knocked out of him and loses, they get kicked out of the whore house and have to wander the streets. They should have gone to a shelter and get adopted and then they'd have kibble every day and milk and catnip and toys.
Instead, they break into a house and, uh, play house. But the owner comes home and is an angry Republican 'cause he has a wall full of guns and he shoots Nicole Kidman in the back (how is it that these NRA freaks never seem to shoot anyone honorably, huh, Mr. Cheney?). He takes her to Greg's house and leaves her there and goes to work on the Chattanooga Choo Choo.
He's got a cool job. He lives on a train (I like trains, especially Thomas the Tank Engine) wears a cool hat (like Indiana Jones) and gets to play with dynamite (like Jimmy Walker). Instead, he decides to follow his dream and claim his land so he walks all the way to Oklahoma, and he doesn't even sing!
When he gets there he goes and buys a horse only the first horse he buys is old and creaky (Mimi Rogers) and the second horse he gets is a wild beauty (Nicole Kidman) (I love equestrian symbolism). Nicole is there and so is Greg and he still looks like a chump. They have to race to go get their land and some dumb-ass tries to race across the plains on a bicycle. This isn't the Tour de Oklahoma, for Christ sake. Stupid pioneers.
So Greg and Nicole and Tom all find the perfect piece of land and they fight for it and Tom Cruise gets knocked down and hits his head on a rock (maybe this is where the Scientology fascination started). And then, get this, he dies, but comes back to life when he hears Nicole say "I love you." Even the camera man gave up on him and started to drift away, but no, Sateen had to go and bring him back. I like him better when he's dead (except for "Interview With The Vampire"). What a craptastic ending. He should have died and she would have been distraught and stabbed herself in the heart with stake he would have used to claim his land. It's the best way to end a movie. It's the Shakespearean way. But this is a Ron Howard film, so instead we're treated to an Enya opus and a cacophony of B-side Chieftans.
What a corker you are, Opie, what a corker!
I sure do love movies that star real-life couples. "Gigli," "Made in America," and this Ron Howard classic, "Far and Away." Of course, Nicole Kidman wised up and escaped from the Cult of Tom Cruise, but before she became an Urban Cowboy, she made this emerald of a gem with Maverick.
Tom Cruise is this farmer (I've never seen him dig up dirt, just provide it) who fights with his brothers and he lives in Ireland (where Lucky Charms come from). His Dad dies a "Bobba Fett" death: inglorious and ignominious. I mean, come on, he gets killed by Greg of "Dharma and Greg" fame. His character's name is Steven, but he should be called Whiplash Snivley like in those old Duddly Do-Right cartoons 'cause he looks like the guy who ties people up on railroad tracks. His mustache means he's a bad guy.
So Mr. Show Me The Money goes off to kill the boss of the guy who killed his father (Luke Skywalker could take a lesson from this fella) only he gets stabbed by Nicole Kidman who tests to see if he's human or an alien from the Ron Hubbard universe. While he's recovering upstairs in Nicole's house, she sneaks a peek at his junk to see what got Val Kilmer's Iceman to melt. The house gets fire-bombed by evangelicals who believe Scientology is an abomination and the two of them go off to Boston together.
They get beamed up to a whore house by Chief O'Brien and Tom Cruise gets all horny for Nicole only they're pretending to be brother and sister so he can't just up and kiss her (take note, Princess Leia) so he goes to the social club to blow off some steam by beating the crap out of people. He gets so good at it, he gets asked to beat up a goddamned Eyetalian. But he gets distracted when Chief O'Brien's boss (no, not Captain Picard) tries to grab a piece of strawberry tart (I like Pop Tarts, too!). Because he gets the living bejesus knocked out of him and loses, they get kicked out of the whore house and have to wander the streets. They should have gone to a shelter and get adopted and then they'd have kibble every day and milk and catnip and toys.
Instead, they break into a house and, uh, play house. But the owner comes home and is an angry Republican 'cause he has a wall full of guns and he shoots Nicole Kidman in the back (how is it that these NRA freaks never seem to shoot anyone honorably, huh, Mr. Cheney?). He takes her to Greg's house and leaves her there and goes to work on the Chattanooga Choo Choo.
He's got a cool job. He lives on a train (I like trains, especially Thomas the Tank Engine) wears a cool hat (like Indiana Jones) and gets to play with dynamite (like Jimmy Walker). Instead, he decides to follow his dream and claim his land so he walks all the way to Oklahoma, and he doesn't even sing!
When he gets there he goes and buys a horse only the first horse he buys is old and creaky (Mimi Rogers) and the second horse he gets is a wild beauty (Nicole Kidman) (I love equestrian symbolism). Nicole is there and so is Greg and he still looks like a chump. They have to race to go get their land and some dumb-ass tries to race across the plains on a bicycle. This isn't the Tour de Oklahoma, for Christ sake. Stupid pioneers.
So Greg and Nicole and Tom all find the perfect piece of land and they fight for it and Tom Cruise gets knocked down and hits his head on a rock (maybe this is where the Scientology fascination started). And then, get this, he dies, but comes back to life when he hears Nicole say "I love you." Even the camera man gave up on him and started to drift away, but no, Sateen had to go and bring him back. I like him better when he's dead (except for "Interview With The Vampire"). What a craptastic ending. He should have died and she would have been distraught and stabbed herself in the heart with stake he would have used to claim his land. It's the best way to end a movie. It's the Shakespearean way. But this is a Ron Howard film, so instead we're treated to an Enya opus and a cacophony of B-side Chieftans.
What a corker you are, Opie, what a corker!
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