reviews 4

[VeganSlayer]

Add

Grace

Edit | Delete

All vegan parents should be cursed with babies that only drink blood. This movie made me smile. I wish my mommy had nursed me with beef blood.

10 out of 15 people found this review helpful.

Add

Discover China: A Tale of Tofu

Edit | Delete

I think Tofu (or hippie Spam) is vile and disgusting. And while I would rather share a toothbrush with a cold sore infested crack wh@re after a garlic festival than eat it again, I have to admit that I learned a lot from this movie. It was well paced, beautifully shot, and really captured the importance tradition plays in Tofu making in China. So regardless of whether or not you like the stuff, it's an interesting little movie(especially the fuzzy Tofu). 9-19-09

9 out of 11 people found this review helpful.

Add

The Hard Corps

Edit | Delete

The large bump on Van Damage's forehead out acted his entire supporting cast. The writing was a savory blend of chopped cliche's and ghetto slang, garnished with affirmative action and a single looping hip-hop song. I know that everyone loves Viviva A. Fox, but she wears so much make up in this movie I'm not convinced it was actually her and not a man in drag. I gave this movie three stars for the glee I got from watching stereotypical black rapper gangster morons who hold their guns sideways get shot to pieces by a forehead bump with a French accent,dressed in military garb, with post traumatic stress disorder,and who's lusting for a heavyweight boxers sister who might actually be Danny DaVito. The "bad guy's" nephew looked like a cross between Carlton from the Fresh Prince and former running back Emmett Smith. Good times. 9-15-09

11 out of 14 people found this review helpful.

Play

Add

Freezer Burn: The Invasion of Laxdale

Edit | Delete

This movie was either made near a comedy black hole or Canadians dont have a concept of humor. So not funny that it actually sucked the humor out of comedies on my queue that were next to it. The leading lady looked like Britany Daniel if she was a meth addicted lot lizard who spent her non working hours passed out underneath an overflowing toilet in a grungy truck stop bathroom stall. During the end credits, Tom Green drives a Zamboni. That was nice. 9/8/09

19 out of 32 people found this review helpful.

Add

Nightstalker

Edit | Delete

Warning!!!!!!This is an Ulli Lommel film. His crimes against movie making make Richard Ramirez look like a saint. Here is a short list of things that are better than any Ulli Lommel movie: cancer, rectal bleeding, napalm, swine flu, bird flu, crack cocaine, dog fighting, slavery, tofu, sunburns, Michael Moore's cholesterol levels, and the smell of old fish. You've been warned.

33 out of 54 people found this review helpful.

Add

Son of Sam

Edit | Delete

Ulli Lommel movies dwell in the steamy depths of movie making's porta-potty. The only upside could be the bliss of knowing that if any serial killer portrayed in one of his movies ever escapes from prison, Ulli Lommel will be first on their revenge hit list.

10 out of 11 people found this review helpful.

Add

Ghosts of Goldfield

Edit | Delete

Letter to Roddy Piper:When I found this movie I was so excited. I was thinking "A horror movie thats got old Rowdy Roddy Piper, this is going to be awesome!"....but this is no "They Live." In fact this movie sucked on every level. It hurts me to tell you this but I hope you know it's coming from the heart. As a fan of you career I was saddened that you chose such a poor vehicle to showcase your skills. By skills I of course refer to your ability to proudly pair a leather jacket with a tradition Scottish man skirt(the neo-traditional Scottish fashion market just wasn't mature enough to appreciate your avant garde designs), your ability to conduct an informative interview in a respectable manner and then throw your guest through a table, and of course your bravery bringing public awareness to the epidemic of cloaked aliens living among us. Sadly none of your talents were showcased in this film. Instead you just mumbled your way through it. If this is it,thanks Hot Rod, at least we'll have the memories of good movies past. Should you ever get another job, put your kilt back on and I'll give you another chance. Thanks for listening: VeganSlayer.....8/21/09

15 out of 27 people found this review helpful.

Play

Add

Female Misbehavior

Edit | Delete

Jesus cow milking Christ. That Paglia lady talks fast. By fast I mean she would have no problem keeping up with those guys rattling off legalese at the end of radio commercials. She never stops to take a breath. She's not even fazed by the smoke coming out of her ears cause her heads gonna explode. No wonder she has problems with men. How do I describe the second short film? .....Shocking? No, that doesn't really convey the horror. Offensive?....No, it's beyond that. I'll go with castratingly uncomfortable. The woman grabs herself a speculum and shows me her cervix. Before I can fathom the magnitude of what I have witnessed she informs me that she, in fact, has company....her aunt Flow is visiting. Totally uncalled for and more than I could handle in a million life times. The 3rd and 4th shorts? Yeah right. 8/21/09

20 out of 27 people found this review helpful.

Play

Save

Greasy Rider

Edit | Delete

Why did the film makers interview Tommy Chong? What good does interviewing a guy whose famous for playing a stupid stoner do to legitimize your stance on biofuels? Why did the film makers choose to get lectured by communist Dr.Noam Chomsky on the evils of America. Does that help your cause? It made me want to start a tire fire in my backyard. Sorry Chomsky, but I don't see what waste vegatable oil has to due with racism or how your degree in linguistics(well earned I might add) qualifies you to speak on energy policy.Buy a new sweater, get a haircut, and stop mumbling. And why on earth was Yoko Ono interviewed at all. Last I checked all she is qualified to do is break up overrated British boy bands. On to Morgan Freeman. Apparently he heads up some alternative energy group or something so at least his presence makes sense. To bad he's a pinko. With big names like these in their movie, the film makers are just preaching to their unwashed, America hating,whining, liberal choir. If these guys really wanted to promote WVO/biodiesel as a practical fuel source, they ought to start making movies that don't alienate half the population by featuring nothing but leftists and dirty hippies. Maybe I am the only conservative minded person on the planet who makes my own biodiesel, but I probably shouldn't be. FYI, there are tons of informative video's on youtube that answer all the questions this movie didn't if your really interested in the subject. 8.19.09

20 out of 37 people found this review helpful.

< previous

|

7

8

9

10

11

|

next >

REVIEWS

< PREVIOUS

|

8

9

10

11

12

|

NEXT >

Add

Puff, Puff, Pass

Edit | Delete

One star for a David Faustio sighting and another star for an Erkel sighting. Sadly the movie wasn't as funny as the worst episode of Family Matters and Married with Children is in a completely different league. Some might say that you'd have to be stoned to enjoy this movie but I'd argue that being stupid is more important Hate me if you must but this is crap. It makes no sense, isn't funny, and most importantly, it isn't funny.

19 out of 34 people found this review helpful.

Play

All

Sliders: Seasons 1 and 2 (6-Disc Series)

Edit | Delete

I was expecting a documentary on small hamburgers. Instead I got got a science fiction show starring the fat kid from Stand by Me. I blame myself.....but seriously, could someone please make a documentary on small hamburgers?

15 out of 27 people found this review helpful.

Play

Add

Eden Log

Edit | Delete

So Im probably not smart enough to understand what this movie was really about. Alright, I have no idea what was going on any level except that there was a muddy guy who didnt talk much and a shaky cameraman traveling through some kind of underground thingamajingy with lots of roots. But it sure looked nice. It had an anime sorta vibe where random stuff happens and you just have to go okay, that just happened. I doubt anyone is really going to come away from it going, Yeah man, the LOG. Its all about the LOG. Anyhow it looks cool and its available on Watch Instantly, give it a try.

17 out of 37 people found this review helpful.

Add

How to Become a Ventriloquist

Edit | Delete

"Ventriloquism rules! This is a great movie to watch if you want to see a real pro in action." Wondering why that was in quotes? It's because while I was typing it I was gargling a mouth full of water. Admit it, your impressed. Thanks movie. 7-2-09

15 out of 17 people found this review helpful.

Play

Add

Donkey Punch

Edit | Delete

Here's this movie in a nutshell: Sex, drugs, and a Brian Austin Green look alike with a hairlip....ON A BOAT MOTHER F#@KER'S

18 out of 22 people found this review helpful.

In Queue

My Suicide

Edit | Delete

It had to be ninja assassins. RIP David Carradine. Greatest actor of all time...........

12 out of 17 people found this review helpful.

Add

Taking Chance

Edit | Delete

A Iraq war story without Hollywood politics. I was stunned to say the least. Inspiring, heart breaking, heartwarming, American, real. I don't even have a smart assed comment to make. Do yourself a favor, see this movie. Regardless of your politics, you'll be moved. 6 stars 9-23-09

15 out of 21 people found this review helpful.

Add

Coma

Edit | Delete

Looking for a movie on brain damaged folk but worried that the subject matter might be a little too depressing? Yeah me too. Well look no further.Sure there are some depressing aspects to COMA.There's also some inspiring moments that showcase how powerful the human spirit is.But that's not why I liked this movie.I liked it for the humor.For instance, I was laughing out loud when the patients were cussing out the doctors and nurses.F-bombs are just funnier when they come from someone in a wheelchair.There's a patient in the special features who looks just like Richard Pryor.(Evens sounds like him in his final years).His mothers painted on eyebrows change with each scene.FUNNY stuff.The best part is the head phychiatrist.He has a magnificant butt chin that puts John Travolta's to shame.Hilarious.So go ahead and enjoy COMA.Afterall, when President Messiah forces socialized healthcare down our throats, there's going to be hordes of brain damaged zombies roaming the streets waiting for the goverment to approve their therapy sessions and that won't be nearly as funny as this movie.7-20-09

13 out of 19 people found this review helpful.

Add

See Jane Run

Edit | Delete

The movie starts off with Joe Estavez wandering around in the woods dressed like an old lesbian,searching for what I assume is an acting job.I mention this because I don't think that this scene was actually part of the See Jane Run movie.It felt more like the begining of another movie that got taped over. On to the actual movie...well it sucked. The female lead has the acting ability of a dead fish. I'm not sure she was even awake most of the time. Anyhow, her and some "friends"(I guess thats who they were.Movie sorta neglected to explain that) end up in a dudes house. Some people die, the sleepy fish zombie girl kicks dude in the nads and walks away. Movie over.7-19-09

11 out of 14 people found this review helpful.